bransonreese

What if Dean Martin came back as a baby bird? Well I think it might go a *little* something like this...

Somebody does, though. Whoever that is, is who's gettin all my juicy prayers!

Remember?

(Yes)

*Peter Griffin voice* "You tink Crime Dog's bad?"

Remember that classic meme we all know and love? The one where a guy has a shirt that says "NO FEAR" and then he sees another shirt and it makes his shirt say "ONE FEAR?" Well guess what, originally that middle shirt said "WHAT IF THEY MADE SIMPSONS PORN ILLEGAL?" Did you know that? I did! Because I'm the person who made that comic originally. Please support me so I don't get evicted again.

Mournin' Pete is a pig who runs a BBQ restaurant and wants more than anything for you to stop eating his family. But there's nothing he can do to stop you. Forces beyond his understanding compel him to serve his loved ones up to you in exchange for money he neither wants nor needs. And now he's sellin' shirts!

Ever had one of those days where a coyote eats you and you die and you go to hell but when you get to hell they're like "we're full up" and so you turn back around and become alive again and escape out the coyote's mouth and also you're a rabbit? If so, this is the shirt for you! If not, this is also the shirt for you.

It's pizza. The popular food made famous on the TV show "The Sopranos"

Here's to the nights we'll never remember with the friends we'll never forget!

only 90s kids will remember disappointing the Pink Panther

This bee has a blade, you see

From the meme. Remember that meme? Funny thing about that meme is it wasn't a meme originally. It was just a comic I wrote on a takeout napkin about Simpsons porn. And now it's a meme that's been dead for at least four years. But I gotta pay rent, so here I am offering it up for sale. Capitalism, man. Sucks ass.

This is a mouse named Michard. He does not go by any nicknames. He is immune to lawyers.

For everyone out there who just doesn't give a shit anymore but would also like to honor the memory of beloved actor Jerry Orbach

One time I said sharks were smooth and nine thousand nerds yelled at me. Who's laughing now? Not me, because I'm in jail for selling my pee at the market as "spicy kombucha."

I've updated the classic "Don't Tread On Me" snake to better reflect our current political climate.

Please do not listen to Crime Dog

If you don't buy this, you don't love your wife. I'm sorry; I don't make the rules

Let everybody know where you stand

No specific brand loyalty here. Just, like, any old root beer.

When I was a kid people were upset about Joe Camel because they thought he was going to encourage kids to smoke, when they should've been upset about something far deeper and darker that he was stirring in us.

I can't think of a single good occasion for wearing this.

America's favorite swan from a webcomic can now be yours to own on a shirt or a mug or something

This vile cat won't stop claiming he's God. You want to strike him down.... and yet, see how your hand falters. Be careful wearing this shirt. If you're wearing it when you die, you'll go straight to hell.

We've all been there!

This cactus has a face for some reason. Probably because God is punishing it. For what? I don't know, but it must've been pretty messed up.

HONK IF HE'S HORNY

This happy little egg chose to voluntarily fall off the table and take this baby bird with him to hell out of spite. Every time you wear this shirt you're going to have to look into people's eyes as you explain that to them.

"Buddy, they won't even let me fuck him"

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. You also miss 100% of the shots you do take. You're in Hell. You were born here and you'll die here.

Fair's fair!

The perfect gift for that one friend we all have who masturbates the orcas at Sea World and has a real shitty attitude about it.

It's been eating all of our airplanes out of the sky. Won't somebody kill this beast of the skies?

She's going to burn down heaven. Will you stop her? Will you...help her?

That lyric has always bothered me. And now the son is missing? Wow, what a fucked up day for everybody